A couple just got a new house

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.

When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''

She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

One day a teacher went into her class room

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson.

The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.

Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

But everybody looks funny naked!

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream makes me break out.

Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

(Preparing to incorporate peanut

butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth...

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish we got the Playboy channel...

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more people.

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a confession...

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you come yet, dear?

I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.

I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

You can cook, too right?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?

Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry but I don't do toes!

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.

So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.''

The groom replies, ''I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.''

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.''

The bride replies ''I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''

An 90 year old man shows up for a physical

An 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.

"Really?" asked the doctor. "You healthy enough, I suppose. But take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a border. Do you know what I mean?"

The old man says, "OK, doc. I'll think about it."

Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out.

"Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant."

The doctor nods knowlingly and says, "So you took my advice and took in a boarder?"

The old man winked and said, "Yep. And she's pregnant too!"

Grandpa and Billy were working out in the garden

Grandpa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. "You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man. Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.

After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed granpa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.

Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar. "Grampa," said the boy, "you already gave me a dollar."

"No," replied grampa, "that dollar's from grandma!"

Once there was this girl that had an over protecting father

Once there was this girl that had an over protecting father. She goes home and says "Dad can I go to the movies with my new boyfriend?"

Her dad said "I guess but I am going with you and I am sitting 3 seats from you."

She replied backs, "Ok, just don't embarrass me!"

They get into the theater she said "Dad you forgot something." he said "I forgot the drinks" while hes getting them the boyfriend asked "Can I stick my hand down the back of your shirt?" She said "My dad will be right back" he begged "Please!". She finally gave in so he did it.

Her dad came back, once again she reminded him "Dad, you forgot something else!" he said "Oh yea, I forgot the popcorn! Be right back!" While dad was away, once again the boyfriend asked "can i stick my hand down the front of your shirt?" She replied "My dad will be back soon" he begged again! "Please!" She gave in again, so he did it .

The father comes back and once again the daughter reminds him "Dad you forgot something else!" He said "Shoots,I forgot the candy!" The father goes and gets the candy. In the meanwhile the

boyfriend is getting horny again and he asks the girl "Can I stick my hand down the back of yor pants?" She says, "My dad will be back soon!" Not wanting to give up, he begs again. "Please, Please!" And the girl gives in once more.

Her father came back she said "Dad you forgot something else" he said "I forgot the straws and napkins and have to go to the bathroom." Not wantig to stop while, the boyfriend asked "Can I stick my hand down the front of your pants?" she said "Yeah my dad will be a while" While he was doing that that her dad walked in and said "Son what are you doin?" The boyfriend replied said "mmmmm PIZZA!!!!"

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning pray session

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning pray session and the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns. She said, "There was a man in the convent last night." 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hehehe.

The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden." Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes hehehe.

The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom." 99 nuns go hehehe 1 nun goes ohhh.

Gentleman is permitted to join a private club

Gentleman is permitted to join a private club. The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is alotted to him. The man gets an S, and choses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex.

Coming home and reporting to wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke over Sailing. Next day, wife meets club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night -hawhawhaw.

Wife:" That' s strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."

One day a kid asks his mom if he can take a shower with his mom

One day a kid asks his mom if he can take a shower with his mom. She says, "Sure son, but don't look up or don't look down."

So there taken a shower and the kid reaches up for the soap and he says, "Woo mamma! What are those?"

She says "Those are my headlights." The kid says "Ahh."

Then he drops the soap and bends down to get it and he says, "Woo mamma! What is that?" and she replies back with, "That is my garage." The kid says "Ahh."

So the next day he asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. So the kid does and he's scrubbin his-self of with the soap and he dropes it and he goes to pick it up and he says, "Woo daddy! What is that?" The father replies back, "That's my limozine."

That night he asks his parents if he could sleep with them and they say, "Sure, just don't look under the covers."

Then in the middle of the night he decides to take a peek. And he says "Wooo mamma! Look daddy is parkin his limosine in your garage!"

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on male anatomy.

"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester!"

I guys car breaks down in the middle of town

I guys car breaks down in the middle of town,and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to get fixed. He finds a very small Hotel and walks in.

He asked the guy at the counter, "Do you have any rooms avalible?"

The guy at the counter says, "Ya, but don't stick you dick in the 3 holes."

"OK." The guy agrees and walks to his room."A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets courious and sticks his dick in the first hole. He says,"AWW,that feels good!" Then he sticks his dick in the second hole,"Aww,that feels even better!" Then he sticks his dick in the third hole,"OWCH!!My dick!!"

He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody.He was very confused but he went to sleep. The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes? But before he could ask anything the guy at the counter said,"You stuck you dick in the three holes didn't you?"

He said,"Ya,how did you know?"The guy at the counter said,"Well, my wife is pregnant,my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken.

 

An american goes to Japan to close a big business deal

An american goes to Japan to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.

The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!

Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.

The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."

The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.

The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!".

The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter."

The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!

It's this man's 33rd birthday

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it.

At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man.

"Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is."

"Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man.

"If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady.

"I don't believe it." says the man.

"Well let me prove it!" the old lady replies.

"I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man.

"Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims!

"How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

An American businessman was in Japan.

An American businessman was in Japan.

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".

The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

There was a woman in the line at McDonalds

There was a woman in the line at McDonalds she was telling everyone that it was her birthday and that she was 26.

Everyone said happy birthday to her. She walked to the bus stop there was a very ugly man there she told the man it was her birthday.

She said to the man, "im..... "

The man says, "I know a way to find out how old you are!"

The woman asked, "How?"

The man said, "Let me feel up you skirt for ten minutes.

The woman said, "No Way!!"

The man said, "I guess you will never know if it works or not!"

The woman sat there for a couple of min and finally said, "Go ahead! I want to see if it really works."

After the man felt up her skirt for ten min he finally said, "You're 26!"

The woman said, "How the hell did you know that!"

The man said, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender

This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 6 shots of jack daniels.

The bartender asks what the occasion is. The guy says its my first blowjob. The brtender says well if thats the case the 7th is on us. The guy says if that wont get the taste out what will.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!''

Three couples went in to see the minister to see

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. 

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed. 

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. 

''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: 

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" 

"How much for a season pass?" 

Why are guys faster than girls?

Q. Why are guys faster than girls?

A. They have a stick shift and ball bearings.

This guy walks into a bar and sits down

This guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy who has a burlap sack and a guy about a foot tall sittinh on the bar playing a little piano. 

The guy that walked into the bar asks the guy whats in the bag. So the guy pulls out a genie lamp. 

The guys says wow can i have one of your wishs. 

He says I dont know rub the lamp and see. So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says the guy has one wish. The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says your wish is granted and gos back into the genie bottle. 

Just then one million ducks walk into the bar. The guy says i didnt wish for a million ducks and to that the other guy replies oh yeah and i wished for a twelve inch pianist.

There were two white men and one black man

There were two white men and one black man and they had all gone to hell. The devil said, "If you put your dick in my hand and it melts I will let you go." 

So one white man did it and it melted so the devil said, "Alright you can go." 

The other white man did it and it melted so the devil said, "Alright you can go too". 

Then the black man did it and it didn't melt. 

So the devil said asked, "Wait a minute how come yours didn't melt?" 

The black man replied "because chocolate melts in you mouth not in your hand."

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. 

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted. 

A man went over to his girl's place

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze. 

"Silver," she said. 

"Why not gold?" 

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

One time a gay guy walked into a bar

One time a gay guy walked into a bar. The bartender said "we dont serve people like u here." 

The guy said "I just want a beer." 

The bartender said "ok just as long as if you sit over there." 

So the guy did. Then another guy came in. He said "Man im so thirsty i could lick sweat off a cows dick." 

Then the gay guy jumped up on the bar and said "MooMoo Bacaro."

Will cross the road in June

Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like... 
chicken.


One day a young boy finds a condom on the floor

One day a young boy finds a condom on the floor. He brings is to his father and asks what is it. His father replies,"Oh, that's a twinkie. Son if you find anymore bring them to me and I'll give you a quarter.

The next week the little boy returned to his mother's house with a lot of quarters. His mother asks,"Where did you get all those quarters?" The little boy answered,"Daddy gave them to me for finding twinkies for him. But what he doesn't know is, before I gave Daddy the twinkies, I sucked all the cream filling out.

Kid comes home from school and his mother asks him

Kid comes home from school and his mother asks him, "How was school son?" 

He replies, "It wasn't good at all Mom, I had sex with my teacher." 

She blows up and tells him to go imediately to his room. His father gets home and walks into his room to find he is looking at some porno mags and says to his son, "You had sex with your teacher son?" 

Kid replies, "Yeah it wasn't good." 

The father says well your only 14 years old and you have done a good job, well go tomorrow and get that new bike you have always wanted. They get there the next day and get it bought. 

Then the father asks him, "Do you want to ride it home or just put it in the back of the truck? "

The kid replies, "I better just put it in the back of the truck." 

They get into the truck and the father asks his son, "So why didn't you wanna ride it home?" 

The son tells him, "Because Mr. Green got me in the butt pretty hard yesterday."

There is this guy who is a buisness man

There is this guy who is a buisness man. He has a real fine wife that everyone in the neighborhood wants to lay. 

One day the buisness man has to go on a buisness trip and his wife ca't go cause there are no seats for her. 

So he goes to a store called the "Pleasure Chest". He asks the guy at the counter "What is the most unique vibrater you got?" 

The man at the counter pulls out a box and opens it. Then he asks "What is so unique about that it looks ordinary?" 

The man at the corner says "Watch! Voodo Dick Doorknob" says the man at the counter

The vibrater goes stright to the doorknob and starts going at it. 

The buisness man says "Wow that is unique!!!! Get it back in the box! Gow much is it?" he asks. 

"$300.00!" says the man at the counter. 

"$300.00!" says the buisness man. "Ok i'll take it....I guesss" 

So he takes it home to his wife and tells her how to use it. She gets mad and says shes not gonna use it. 

Her husband says whatever just dont go fucking every guy on the block! He leaves the next morning. About 3-4 months pass and the wife gets really desperate. So she says ok maybe I'll try this. So she says voodo dick my pussy! (after she got undressed and all) Then the voodo dick started going at it. After about the 3rd orgasm she thought maybe that was enough. 

So she tried pulling it out. and it wouldn't come out! She said to herself oh my god I forgot how to take it out! It starts to hurt her. So she decides to go see her doctor. She puts on her clothes while its still going at her. She gets in her car and takes off. 

While she is on her way she has another orgasim. So she wrecks! A cop pulls up and says ma'm are u on something? she says no. She says "I just have this voodo dick stuck in my pussy and I cant get it out!" 

the police man says "Yeah right voodo dick my ASS!"

One time a gay guy walked into a bar

One time a gay guy walked into a bar. The bartender said "we dont serve people like u here." 

The guy said "I just want a beer." 

The bartender said "ok just as long as if you sit over there." 

So the guy did. Then another guy came in. He said "Man im so thirsty i could lick sweat off a cows dick." 

Then the gay guy jumped up on the bar and said "MooMoo Bacaro."

Three men were trying to rob a bank

Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they are shot and killed. 

God comes down to them and says, "I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something."

The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live. God says to them, "go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do."

The first man comes back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, "If you can put all 3 cherries in your ass without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell."

The man puts 2 cherries in his ass, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.

The second man comes back carrying three apples. God says to him, "If you can stick all three of those apples up your ass, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.

So the man sticks 2 apples in his ass. But when he puts the third one inside, he starts laughing hysterically.

God says to him, "You have made a face, and now you will go to hell. But i am curious...why did you start laughing?"

And the man says then, "Cuz Larry is coming back, and he stole 3 watermelons."

This little girl asks her dad if she can take a shower with him

This little girl asks her dad if she can take a shower with him he says "Sure just don't look down."

So she gets in but looks down and askes " Whats that?" 

Her dad says " A car."

Then she gets in the shower with her mom on one codition,that she looks up nor down. So she gets in and looks down and asks "Mommy whats that?" 

Her mom says "My garage."

Then she looks up and asks "whats that?" 

Mom replies "My head lights."

Then she gets in the bed with her mom and dad, looks under the covers and says "Mommy turn on your head lights the cars coming into the garage."

A woman is checking out at the hardware store with a picture frame

A woman is checking out at the hardware store with a picture frame. The clerk asks, "Do you want a screw for the picture frame?" 

The woman replies, "No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. 

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother for some ice cream

A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother for some ice cream. The mother is having a bad day and snaps, "NO!". The little boy turns and runs into his room.

After a minute, the mother feels bad she snapped and knocks on his door. "Johnny, I'm sorry I snapped at you. Do you want to play a game or something?"

"Sure," Johnny replies. "How about we play Mommy and Daddy?"

"OK," says the mother. "How do we play?"

"You go upstairs and lay down on your bed."

The mother figures this is harmless, so she agrees and goes upstairs. Meanwhile, Johnny rummages throught the closet and finds his dad's hat and coat. He digs in the ashtray to find a long cigarette butt. After dressing and putting the cigarette in his mouth, he swaggers up the stairs.

There, on the bed, is his mother. Johnny marches in, walks up to the bed, and says, "Get your ass out of bed and get that kid some ice cream!"

A little girl at the zoo asks her father

A little girl at the zoo asks her father, "What's that hanging down from the elephant?"

"That's his trunk," the father replies.

"No! The other thing," persisted the daughter.

"Oh. That's the elephant's penis."

The little girl replied, "Hmmm. How come when I asked Mom she said it was nothing?"

"Well... your Mother is a very spoiled woman."

A guy walks into a bar and asks the barkeeper to give him a drink

A guy walks into a bar and asks the barkeeper to give him a drink, because he's celabrating his first blowjob. 

When he was done the drink, the bar keeper asked "Do you want another drink?"

The man replied "No thanks, it only takes one to wash the taste."

A litte boys goes to his father

A litte boys goes to his father and asks him the difference between hypothetical and a fact.

His father tells him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars. 

The boy asks his mother and she replies "Hell yeah." 

He tells his father what she says and then his father tells him to go ask his sister if she would sleep with the principal for a million dollars. 

He asks and his sister replies "Yes." 

He again tells his father what the answer was. The little boy asks "So what's the difference?" 

The father replied "Hypothetically we're rich, the fact is we're just living with a couple of whores."

A guy walked into a bar one day

A guy walked into a bar one day and noticed a jar full of money on the counter. He asked the bartender what it was for and the bartender replied that if he could go into the back and make the donkey laugh, he could have that jar of money. So the guy walks in the back and a few minutes he comes out with the donkey laughing his head off. He gets his money and walks out.

The next day the same guy went to the same bar and noticed another jar of money sittin on the counter. The bartender, when asked, said that if he could go in the back and make the donkey cry, he could have that jar of money. So the guy goes in the back and about 5 minutes later comes out with the donkey crying huge tears.

As the guy was about to leave, the bartender stopped him and asked him how he made the donkey laugh and cry.

The guy replied: The first time I told him I had a bigger dick then he did, and the second time I proved it.

A young lady is sitting on top of a peer with no arms and no legs

A young lady is sitting on top of a peer with no arms and no legs. A man walks past her, and she cries. The man goes up to her and asks her whats wrong with her. She says that she has never been hugged before, so he hugs her and walks off.

As he walks, the lady cries again. The man goes up to her and asks again whats wrong with her. She says she has never been kissed, so he kisses her and walks off.

She starts to massive cry now, so the man walks back and asks again. She says I have never been fucked before. So he picks her up, and throws her off the side, and says now your fucked.

This guy was walking in town and he walks by a sign

This guy was walking in town and he walks by a sign that said "Climb The Ladder To Sucsess, Only $2."

So he said "I will do it."

So, he climbs the ladder and part way up he sees a hot girl and says "Maybe they will get hotter as I get further."

So he climbs higher and he sees a hotter girl and says the same thing.

He sees another hot girl and says "I will go higher".

So he goes higher and he seen a big fat hairy biker and the biker says "Hi, I'm Sess."

A group of nuns are standing around talking

A group of nuns are standing around talking when one goes "I found a pile of dirty magazines yesterday!" 

All of the nuns gasp, except for one who goes "hehehe"... then another goes "I found a condom yesterday!" 

And all the nuns gasp, except for one who goes "hehehe"...then the same nun says "but there was a hole in it"...that one nun gasps, and the rest go "hehehe!"

Alright, so there are 4 gay guys in a bar looking for a seat

Alright, so there are 4 gay guys in a bar looking for a seat. There is one open bar stool. What do they do?

They flip it upside down and all sit!

I see a guy sitting outside a place called "Suzy's Legs"

I see a guy sitting outside a place called "Suzy's Legs" and I ask "What are ya doing?"

He responds "Waiting for Suz's legs to open so I can get a drink."

Three men get stranded on an island and a tribe comes from no were

Three men get stranded on an island and a tribe comes from no were.

The chief says to them: ungubunga or death. 

So the first guy asks the chief what ungubunga is and the chief simply repeats him self.

So the first guy says ungubunga and the chief fucks him and lets him go. 

So the second guy says well its pretty disgusting but i have a family so he chooses ungubunga and gets fucked. 

So the third guy's like you to are disgusting and chooses death. the chief exclaims good choice death by ungubunga!

Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth

Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive. 

One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow. "Mr. Brown," she said, "we are tired of your filthy remarks and we aren't going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal." 

Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him.

The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the news paper. The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he look up and says, "Oh girls. You should find this interesting. The government is recruiting whores to go to Afghanistan and fuck the servicemen over there for $100 a day." All at once the girls get up and head for the door.

"Wait a minute!" shouted Mr. Brown. "The boat doesn't leave till Thursday!"

In the days of the Depression, a family had trapped a few ducks

In the days of the Depression, a family had trapped a few ducks. As they needed some things only money could buy, the father requested his three sons take a duck each and travel off trying to sell them. They agreed and headed off on seperate ways.

The youngest of them knocked on the door of a nearby farm house and a shapely young blonde farm girl answered the door.

"S'cuse me ma'am" said the guy. "I'm wunderin' if y'd be intrested in buyin this here duck frum me". The women replied "I'd sure like me that plump duck to cook fur our supper, but I aint got no money to spare". "How about a fuck for it?" she asked. The man didn't hesitate and replied "Sure!".

After they'd done the deal, the lonely farm girl said "If'n yer fuck me again - ya can have the duck back".

So he did, and afterwards headed off along the road with the duck still under his arm. Soon a large truck roared past the man which frightened the duck so much that it jumped out of his arms and right under the wheels where it was squashed.

The truck driver stopped and got out to speak with the man who explained that he was out trying to get money for his family by selling the duck. The truck driver felt remorse and offered the guy a dollar for his trouble. The man agreed and headed for home with the money in his pocket.

That evening as they all gathered around the table, the father asked them how they did.

The first son replied "I done good pa, I got me three dollars fur my duck".

The second son replied "I done better 'n him pa, I got five dollars".

Then the third son leaned back in his chair showing a cheeky grin and said "I done better 'n all uf yers, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and a buck for a fucked up duck!".

A guy was watching over his kid for nightly prayers

A guy was watching over his kid for nightly prayers. 

The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma." 

The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Goodnight mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. 

The father is like this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodngiht mommy, and goodbye daddy." 

The father freaks. He's all like I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. at the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair. 

He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day. She says YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!

Once there was this very VERY horny girl on Chrismas

Once there was this very VERY horny girl on Chrismas. She really wanted to fuck Santa. So she waited at the fireplace for Santa to come down. 

When he came down she said, "Oh Santa will you pleaseee stay" and then she took her shit off. 

Santa said, "Ho Ho Ho, I better go, have to deliver thease gifts to children ya' know". 

So she took of her pants and said, "Please Santa"? 

Santa said, " Ho Ho Ho, I better go, have to deliver thease gifts to children you know"? 

Then she took everything else off and said, " Pleaseeee"!? 

Santa said, "Hey Hey Hey, Guess I'll stay, I can't go up the chimne with my dick this way"

There was this teacher who was teaching young kids

There was this teacher who was teaching young kids the different types of animals, she showed them the picture of a giraffe, and asked them what it was. Nobody answered..so she gave them a clue, 'It has a long neck.' One kid answered, "Giraffe!" Pleased, the teacher showed a picture of a zebra. 

Nobody answered it again, so she gave them a clue. 'This animal has stripes.' "Zebra!" one kid answered. So she put up another one, that of a deer. 

The teacher could not think of a clue..but suddenly she came up with one!..she asked them 'what does your mother call your father?' 

Suddenly one child got up and answered 'HORNY BASTARD!'